Scottie_ffgamer's Xanga

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 05:57:29 GMT

Do you ever just wish that it would all stop? Everything that keeps coming after you. Everything that pulls you down, makes you feel like you're always wrong or that you can never move forward. Do you ever wish that you could just get away? And not just for a day or a week like a vacation, but actually get away from everything. Everything you've ever known, ever had to deal with. Become a completely different person. Leave everyone and everything that your current work makes you who you are and just because someone completely new somewhere completely different. Meet new people who don't know you. Find a new place to live with new neighbors. Get a different job far far away. Somewhere where you could make yourself who you really want to be. You wouldn't have to be held back by the views of those around. You wouldn't be letting anyone down if you didn't live up to what they thought. You wouldn't have to be right or wrong with every one of your decisions. It's people that make something right or wrong. A person can do anything and be neither right nor wrong. It's when a person does something to, with, against, or involving another person in some way that something actually has to be either right or wrong. Even different people view different things as right. In a different society, a different world, right could be to murder your neighbor in the wake of a disturbance; right could be to not drive unless intoxicated. What are we to say what right is when so many things could be right under the correct circumstances, in the correct space or time. We cannot. For us to say what is right is as to putting ourselves above what we are. To claim supremacy over what we are bound to be by this flesh and blood. And yet, we still do so everyday, each and every one of us. I am so tired of such. No one can be judge over someone equal with himself, only toward those whom he is over of above. But people in general are too stupid to realize this. Too many people wander around in their perfect of imperfect little lives condemning those around them and refusing to look inward. Everyone has flaws. Some more and other less, but everyone still has flaws. Even the same flaws. There are no new ills today that did not exist yesterday. And yet, even when someone might come out and admit their flaws, they are again condemned. Condemned for committing the crime, condemned for confessing the crime, condemned for even being willing to change. The world is sick and terrible...and I want no place in it.

Monday, September 07, 2009

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 05:48:41 GMT

Well, life is still boring. All I do is work anymore. I suppose that's good tho. Making money and saving up. I'm going to be thankful next semester when I'm trying to go to college and work. Oh, and my manager just realized I'm full time. So I should be getting even more hours and making more money now. Yay!

Tuesday I'm going up to Indianola IA to hang out with Shoobie and Mary. I'm not really sure what we're going to do yet...but we'll figure it out.

On a better note, this last week has been pretty much awesome. I'm reluctant, however, to say why just as of yet. Not sure how everything is going to work itself out. But life has just been good. I sure hope it stays this way. I could sure use some consistency in my life.

Anyway, I think that's all that's important right now. I hope it was mighty informative. Comment!

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 05:59:20 GMT

I realized today that my Xanga actually tells me how long it's been since I joined. 1426 days. That's almost 4 years. Heh, man a lot changes in 4 years. 4 years I was starting my Sophmore year in high school. Crazy stuff. So much has happened. I've met so many people that have touched my life in some way. I had a lot less friends, a lot less people I could trust. I didn't know myself as well. I didn't know what I was doing or where I wanted to be going. I had a lot of ideas that were completely wrong. There are just so many things that have changed since then. It's amazing that I can still claim to be me. Or maybe I'm not me anymore. Maybe I'm just a completely different person. I'd probably think I was absolutely annoying if I had to hang out with myself from 4 years ago. I'd probably...be disappointed in myself if 4 years ago I had to hang out with myself from now. Hmmm....

Fun times in Warrensburg

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 02:46:35 GMT

Hmmm...the last few days have been pretty awesome.

Yesterday, I went down to Warrensburg and hang out with friends and just see the place. I'm about 90% sure that I'm going to UCM next semester for school. So I went down there to see the college and the places I could stay and what-not. Well, got down there, start talking to Lindsey Smith, and the first thing that comes up is that Joe Johnson, who goes down there too, isn't going to have a roommate next semester and needs to get one. WOOT! All the sudden I'm totally pumped! I have a place to stay! On top of that, by the time next semester comes around, I'll have been working at wal-mart for 6 months, which means I can transfer to another store if I want! Hah! I also have a job! And enough time between now and then to work up some money too.

So we didn't really know what to do by this point, so we decided to run around town and pick up some red stuff! There was a football game that night and 2 of us didn't have anything red to wear.... Somehow, while looking for a thrift store, we stumbled upon a nerdy gaming place. It was like a D&D/Magic heavy place. It was pretty sweet though. I got myself 150 new card protectors for only $6, and Joe picked up this game called Knightmare Chess. It pretty much mixes regular chess with these cards that make it crazy different.

Anyway, after hanging out for a while, we went to RCM down there. It was pretty awesome. There were a lot of people I knew there, and then a lot I didn't. So I was happy because I knew I'd feel comfortable but also have people I could meet and get to know better.

After that, we went the football game at the stadium there at the college. I decked myself out in a red shirt and red bandanas too. It was pretty fun. They won too, which is always nice.

Then Tyler Hamann and I went to the Wal-Mart down there. Tyler has been going back and forth between KC and Warrensburg a lot for classes, so most of the time he spends the nights up here and not down there, but he had decided he still at least needed a bed down there. So he went to Wal-Mart to get himself a futon (sp?) and I went with him so I could get him a 10% discout because I work there.

Finally, we came back to their apartment and Joe and I played a round of Knightmare Chess. It was AMAZING!!! It totally destroys all regular Chess stratagy! But it made the game so much more interesting too! There are cards that let you kill pieces, cards that let you move in unusual ways, cards that let you move twice, cards that make your opponant take back his last move and make a different one. It was just absolutely crazy! He killed 5 of my pieces with one move at one point! It was really cool. I'm gonna make him play that wit me every night if I end up living there with him.

Anyway, I was going to write about today too...but I've written enough.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 05:53:59 GMT

Bah...tonight has been yet anothing night full of crap.... Why do all the best days always turn downward so fast? How can one single song on the radio that's stuck in the middle of a good conversation just make everything in your life seem wrong? that's amazing, isn't it?

Anyway, like you've guessed, tonights been anothing bad night. It seems like the only time I write in this anymore is when I'm depressed. I guess that's a good though. One outlet that my mom CAN'T see. Too many stupid people on facebook telling her what I'm saying on there anymore to really talk on there. That's so annoying. "So what have you been writing on your facebook? People keep telling me you're writing horrible things on there...." Seriously mom, if I'm not going to talk to you about it right off, why would I after a little prodding? Yet another reason why I need away from this place.

But yeah, it's been over a month...and I still cry once a week or so.... So pathetic. Yeah yeah, supposed to be the tough guy and all. I don't really care about that.... I've never been a tough guy, I don't see why I should act like one. I'm just sick of being stuck here where I can't do anything. I can't make any freakin money because I have a stupid crappy job, I have no work ethic, I have no higher education, I have no happiness in life. But at least Mom thinks I have a good life. It makes her bug me less about everything.

However, I have hit my 3 month at Wal-Mart. That means only 3 more months before I'm eligable for transfer. Maybe then I'll be able to get away from this God-forsaken town and do something with my life. Even if that's only making enough money to live on my own. That's more than I'm doing right now. Still haven't fully decided where I'm going yet tho.... I'm seriously considering Des Moines. It's away...but not REALLY far. I kinda wanna live in Minnasota though...but I'm pulled away from that just for the fact that it's not in the CSD...so I wouldn't be able to compete against CS and people I know if I stayed inside the CSD. That's why I'm thinking Des Moines. A lot of competitions are in Iowa. And I'm sure with a city that big I'd be able to find a chorus somewhere. Maybe I'll even be able to get a quartet together.

LONG weekend...

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 05:22:11 GMT

Well, this weekend has been kind of a bad weekend....

First off, I believe it was Tuesday, I got in a fight with a REALLY good friend of mine. It wasn't really because of anything she did or said...I just freaked out on her.... And I got really mad, and stayed mad for more of the night. So, being stupid, I got on Facebook, and I asked this girl out on a date. I'd always wanted to, but had always been too embarrassed to. Well, that night, I just didn't even care. So I did and she said no. Then i started asking her all these questions about what she looks for in a guy and things like that. I feel really bad for her because I crazily put her on the spot. But it ended with her saying she wouldn't go on a date with me because she doesn't know me very well. So I told her we should hang out and get to know each other better and this seemed to satisfy her. And that was Tuesday.

Wednesday, I got up, and decided that was the day I was going to put my new stereo in my new car. So, went to Dad's house and proceeded to take my car apart. Well, I got the new stereo out of my new car, got the old stereo out of my new car, and noticed that the plugs are different. Apparently Oldsmobile uses a different plug that the rest of GM. So, had to put the old stereo back in and put my car back together. After that, I shut my car door like usual and went over to my grandparents house. They just got satalite TV and whoever set it up didn't do it right because grandpa couldn't use his VCR to record stuff on TV so they asked me to come and see if I could fix it. I went over there, fixed it (the person who set it up really had no idea what they were doing), then went back to my car to leave. Well, somehow, while I was taking the stereo part, the door got pushed toward the front of the car and when I tried to shut the door, it just smacked up against it and broke the latch...so my door wouldn't shut or lock.... That sucked. I had to go the rest of the day driving around and holding the door shut while hoping no one would steal anything....

So today, Thursday, the first thing I did was go over to Dad's and start to take the door apart. I pulled off the cover and pulled out the entire latching mecanism (which, while sounding fairly simple, took me several hours). Got the broken part out, went to the junks yard (in my old car), picked up a new one for 10 bucks, and went back to my Dad's. Then I just sat around and waited for Dad to get home because I really wasn't sure how to fix the door. Once he got back, him and I had to help Grandma move a couple stoves because theirs broke, so we had to move it and move a new one they got into it's place. After that, went back to the car. We loosened the bolt and tried to wiggle it out a bit so it'd fit...but it wouldn't so we ended up having to take the whole door off. Found what was wrong, fixed it, put the door back on, and wiggled it into place. Fyoo! Finally have it so it's no longer broken! But, it had gotten dark at that point, so I just took my old car and left. I'm gonna put the latch and everything back together tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully then I won't have any trouble getting the door to latch shut.

Ok, now to back up because none of this fit in with the car story. Monday, Timmy told me he was trying to get some people to go see a movie Thursday, so I agreed to go. After talking with this girl I asked out the next night, I thought that'd be the perfect thing to give us a bit of a chance to hang out. So, I wrote her a message on facebook and told her about it and told her that she should come. (I have her phone number and thought about texting her...but I didn't want a to come across as a stalker so I figured facebook would be safer ("Ok! I'd love to come! ...wait, how'd you get my number? :-\ (creeper) " ) ) But anyway, I don't know if she just didn't see the message or if she just didn't want to come or what...but she didn't come tonight.... That kinda made me sad.... But I guess that's how it goes.

On top of all that, today, the 14th of August, would have been made exactly 13 months that me and Lizzy were together...but it's not. And it never will be. It's over and everybody knows it except for me. Everyone has accepted it and is past it...except me. I just keep thinking maybe something will change...but why would it? Lizzy obviously doesn't give a crap about me anymore. Why would that change just because i want to it? "Oh, you don't like that I hate you? Ok, I won't anymore." Yeah, that makes NO sense. Anyway...I'm sure that this coming day is going to suck. I'll just accept it.

A sad day

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 06:49:10 GMT

Well, today has been a very sad day. Today was August 4th, exactly one month since I've seen the most amazing girl ever. And it's been about two weeks now since I've even talked to her...and that was just arguing. *sigh* This last month has sucked so bad. I've had so many things go wrong.

I bleached my hair yesterday. Kinda stupid, right? Well, Mom freaked out like I knew she would. Did the "and you'll stand up in front of the congregation as a priesthood member like that?" on me. That pissed me off. She says something like that every time I do something she doesn't like. Anyway, after that she went to this speel about "when you start piercing your body and changing your hair color, it makes me think you're unhappy." I waved it off at the time just trying to get past her annoying talking so she could move on, but I've been thinking about it. And yeah, I agree with her, I'm NOT happy! This may have been a shock to her if I'd told her, but I don't see why.

What's there in my life to be happy about? Sure, I have good friends, a place to stay, and yeah, that makes me happy...but it doesn't keep me happy. My friends aren't always going to be there for me. And with every day longer I spend in this house, it just makes me wanna move out more and more. There's nothing in my life anymore to stay happy about. Course, none of this was the reason behind me bleaching my hair, but that's just what's been on my mind. Probably just because of the day.

*sigh* A good friend of mine told me the other night that I should start making a list of all the thing I want in a girl. Like, what I think my perfect match would be. I don't even know where to start tho.... I don't know what kinda things would make a good person for me. I can say that there are things I like in a girl...but I don't know that those are things that would be helpful in a relationship or not.

Example, I want a girl who knows music. A girl who can sing a melody, even if she doesn't like to sing or doesn't want to. Just that she CAN. Of course, that doesn't make a difference in a relationship. Sure, it'd probably make me love her more, but being able to carry a tune isn't going to help us get through the hard times in our relationship. It isn't going to keep us from fighting, it isn't going to help us make up after a fight, it isn't going to keep us from doing things we shouldn't and it can't make things all better when we can't be together. What's the point of putting something like that on my list if it isn't going to help in any way?

Or another thing, I've always wanted to be with someone who was semi-shy. I don't know why! I find it amazingly cute when a girl can't find the words to say or is embarassed to look you face to face. It's just...cute. And I've always thought that it would be amazing to be able to be with someone like that. To be able to be the one person that they would open up to. Even if they hid everything from everyone else in the world. I would love that! But what's that going to do for us? If anything, it'll just make it worse when we break up. Then she's given all her secrests away to someone who she isn't even with anymore. Like the most annoy boy in school reading her diary and blackmailing her with it. How is being with a shy girl going to keep us together? How can anything that I want in a girl going to keep her from breaking up with me like all the others have?

Even if I did make this list, and even if I did happen upon the girl who fit every jot and liddle of my list, there's nothing to keep us together. Words can't keep a couple together. Love can't either because love fades eventually. Not even a covenant between the two people and God can keep people together anymore. Love is hopeless.

Hmmm.....

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 12:53:11 GMT

Well, finally remembered to check this. I just got back from camp a few days ago. That was AWESOME! I got to spend an awesome week with friends in a great place and got to go for a week seeing my girlfriend everyday. *sigh* it was great.

Since then, I've been doing nothing special. Working and hanging out. We've started Fiddler on the Roof practices. They're coming along pretty good. I'm still half lost on the whole thing though because I don't hardly know the story at all. But I'm sure I'll get there.

One of my tires on my car the other day went completely flat. I had to put on a doughnut. I'm going to Dad's as soon as I get off here to go get a new tired or get it fixed. That'll make me happy.

Sigh....

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 07:05:57 GMT

Well...today kinda sucked. I went to the call backs for Fiddlers on the Roof this summer.... I was TREMENDOUSLY excited going into them...but for some reason, I just couldn't do anything right. I messed up lines like crazy (like I always do), I even messed up the songs we sang (which is not so normal). I feel like a failure..... And the whole time I felt like I was 20 steps behind everyone else just 'cause I've never seen the movie or the play before. *sigh* Stupid.... Oh well, tomorrow should be better. Second of three days off work in a row. I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do tomorrow! "0! Zip! Nadda!" as they say. But, as the good book says, "When you spit in the air, it lands in your face." ...don't know where...maybe the Jewish have a special kinda bible or something. Hmmm...there's a good question for Dr. SSSteve.

Summer and Work

Sun, 24 May 2009 23:38:14 GMT

Yup, it's finally summer and I know that pretty much all I'm going to be doing is working. It's ok though. Lots of money is always a good thing.